The following is an email sent out by our First Impressionist, Steve Shultz, this morning. You just gotta love the airlines - especially when you in live in a place both Southwest and JetBlue don’t service.

Subject: Where’s Steve?

He’s here.

And, as per Trey’s brilliant suggestion, here’s the detailed story, so I only have to relive it once today:

My wife and mother-in-law got Priceline’s “El Cheapo” Airfare to and from Portland. Our departing flight was Delta, from Charlotte to Atlanta, then on to Portland. This is where the omens began. We arrived at Charlotte at 6:45 for our 8:00 flight….which didn’t exist. Apparently, the time on our Priceline “E-Ticket” was an approximation, and was not a real flight time. The real flight time was 10:00, which put our 10:15 connecting flight in jeopardy. Luckily, that too was an approximation, and we ended up leaving Atlanta at 1:15 AM, arriving in Portland at 3:00 AM Pacific.

SO, great week, lovely town, yadda yadda yadda.

Our return flight was scheduled to be US Airways direct to Charlotte on Sunday at 3PM. Before we even left Greenville, however, it had already been bumped to the Sunday night red-eye (thank you Chris for opening on Monday). So….Sunday rolls around, and we get to the airport at 9:00PM…and we are told that Priceline tickets for US Airways are ALWAYS stand-by tickets. Period. Now, I know that this is baloney, but they have had so many cutbacks on coast to coast flights out of Portland, that I understand it is a convenient excuse. I immediately befriend Andrew Winston, a 70 year old retired investment banker who also bought his tickets on Priceline, and is headed to Raleigh to see his daughter. We then watch as the 1AM flight gets sold out, and we are left at the airport once more. I send my wife and mother in law back to my brother in law’s house to get some sleep, while I keep them updated on the 9AM flight (sold out), then the 1PM flight (sold out).

At this point, Mr. Winston and I have shared all the stories we can think of (and I have had a very pleasurable nap on the airport chairs…they really were very comfortable chairs, probably because of all the other people who have stood by to watch their vacation days dwindle away). So, my new best friend and I decide to bite the bullet, and buy tickets for the Monday night red-eye, directly from US Airways. We get our tickets for the 10 PM flight. I ask if there is any value in our standby tickets, and they inform me that they are essentially worthless. Mr. Winston does not accept this answer. He tells them that they do have a worth, and proceeds to tell them exactly what they could do with them (or more importantly, where to put them). It is at this point in time that we are given (and in the immortal words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up) free bottles of Pepto-Bismal, the official sponsor of USAirways.

Hmm.

Well, as the day progresses, we finally get ahold of someone who seems to know what she is doing, and they offer us free tickets to anywhere in the continental U.S……if we use them this week.

Hmm.

How’s that for compensation? Blech. Anyway, I am now here, and furiously calling and emailing USAirways to get a refund on those standby tickets, which, for all I can tell, would still have me sitting in Portland, hoping I had a job when I got back.

So, moral of the story: No more Priceline. Powell’s Books in Portland is the coolest use of a city block every created, and USAirways has the perfect sponsor for the heartburn they cause for their customers.

HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYBODY!!!

(P.S. I just got an email from customer service at US Airways…and if I am reading it correctly, if I stand on my head, pointed northeast, then spit in a circular pattern to the tune of Yankee Doodle, I may be able to get a 50% refund….and even though those aren’t the exact terms, it seems more reasonable than what they sent me).

Steve Schultz
First Impressionist

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